Bi

Being bi...

I knew for sure I was bi since I was 20. I have had several sexual encounters with persons of the same sex before, but I am not sure whether I should call them my first bisexual experiences or attribute them just to a curious mind that wanted to explore.

I was about 20 when I fell in love with a man for the first time. First, this struck me as a new and until then unknown feeling, but at the same moment, I felt very happy and considered myself a gifted and special person, who is able to do something most people cannot, love persons of both sexes. Or, love persons regardless of their gender.

Sex was never much talked about in my family, a fact I was missing by then. But the good news about it was that since the whole issue of sex was actually a non-issue, I was also left free to develop my own thoughts and opinions. Thoughts that were inspired by the ideas of tolerance, and open mindedness, which I had the luck to be raised in. After all, this was the post '68 years, when freethinking, sexual liberation, and rebellion were in the air. So I was able not only to accept my feelings but also was very happy about them. I never saw myself as being "gay", "queer" or whatever. I loved my boy, which was something completely different.

I wasn't very outspoken though. Remember, sex or emotions were issues that were never talked about in my family. Speaking about my feelings, my emotions, my sexuality was something I had to learn, which I did (Otherwise you probably woudn't read this). By the age of 30, I lived the happy life of a bisexual, polyamory male, altough the term polyamory by then was unknown at least to me. I had several deep, and long lasting friendships with persons of both genders, friendships which also had, and still have, an erotic and sexual angle, but were free from jealousy. Call it what you want, I called it, and still call it love.

I was out of the closet, but just to some friends.

Then I changed jobs, moved to another town and fell in love with a woman. My bisexual, let alone polyamory life went into hibernation for the eight years of our relationship. This was my longest and so far last attempt to lead a strictly heterosexual, monoamory life.

Coming out, Phase II

Then, after I realized what I had missed during that time (which is another story yet untold here), I decided to really come out of the closet this time. I was just sick and tired of hiding this part of myself, a part I am proud of, a part which is important for me. I am open to all my friends and relatives now (well, most of them. Some may still not know just because we didn't meet since I came out). Coming out was, after all, much easier than I had anticipated. Most people felt happy for me, and felt honoured by my openness to them.

I had The Talk with my mother two days before Christmas '97, and it went way better than I had expected. She didn't say much about it (what I anticipated), but smiled at me and said she is lucky for me, and that I should live my life my way. I know she accepts and supports my way of living, and I know she loves me for what I am.

My father died in '96, so I had no chance to tell him. I am afraid he wouldn't have understood, and I don't think I would have told him anyway.

During my coming out, and while I was getting ready for it, I found out, again, how closer the 'Net gets people together. It was through the 'Net I found how many other bi people are there outside, and what a warm and embracing community you are. Thank you.

Genders, and sexes

I love both men and women. Genders, and gender borders, and especially the gray zone (Did I really say gray zone? It's a most colorful zone, home to some of the most beautiful individuals I ever met) between the two genders always had a strong attraction to me. This is probably because I, along with my bi-ness, also discovered the female aspects of my thinking, my being, my self. Interestingly, my best female friends and lovers are describing themselves as being rather male than female. They're definitely not male in sexual terms, but in terms of gender. Sex is what is between your legs, but gender is what is between your ears.

Being bi, and genders

During my last, and eventual coming out, some of the most exciting moments was the occasinal show of hands of people saying "Me, too!". Interestingly, I got the majority of waves from women, who are more or less openly bisexual, rather than from men, altough there are at least as much bi men as women. I met a number of men who have problems admitting their bi side, for different reasons.

Are women the luckier gender, again? I don't think so, but I can just speak for myself. And I am a happy, bisexual male.

I just took the COGIATI test, and ranked Four, Probable Transsexual. Hmmmm.

I recently found a poem in the intro to the book "bi any other name"which I found to express my feelings so much that I decided to include it here without asking for permission to do so :)

The last word, V1.2 or
Where does this lead to?